M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
