Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
