I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
