she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
MIDGETS
????
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
