his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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