but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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