i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You ruined the universe
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
