the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
