I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
