one word: firstdatebathroomanal
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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