i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
