two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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