he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
