About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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