i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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