yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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