i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize