Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
