the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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