True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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