One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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