Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
