My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
