Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Randomize
