before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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