just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
