I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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