Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
