she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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