Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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