I cannot find my penis.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
