just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
