I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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