After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
