it hurts more in the daytime
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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