Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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