If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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