I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
