Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
