Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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