I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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