Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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