is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
