I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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