she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
