Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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