my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
