Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
