cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
