I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My ATM looks so different sober.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
