I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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