Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
