i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize