Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
