im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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