ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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