If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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