you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
