the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
