look no pants
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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